The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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