after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
