YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
