If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
