I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
