Jerry, you need to find god
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
