bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize