I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
