she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize