Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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