Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
