my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
