I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
