Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
