I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
