Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize