omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
