I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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