Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
