im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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