I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
