We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
