I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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