i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
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