I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
