at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
