She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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