Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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