my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
