drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
