I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
