Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm bleeding and have questions
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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