the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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