Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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