Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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