I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
