i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
