I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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