dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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