Someone shit on the floor
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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