how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize