I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
