good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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