Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
