I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
