I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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