Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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