Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
