Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
