My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
