checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
