maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
