What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
