I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
