I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
