We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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