I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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